perspective

It's all a matter of perspective.

The stress of life, the craziness of this time in our lives with work and school and marriage and staying afloat and being happy at the same time... it all seems silly to worry over such things as these. Anxiety is a normal part of life - the worrying about the simplest of things. Jesus said, "Don't worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of its own" and he was right. Of course Jesus was right - what am I saying? Worrying about things in our lives is useless.

But it is also what makes us human. It's sin-nature at it's best. Damn sin-nature.

This morning Jeff preached about "Detours" in our lives. In the story of Joseph, there were many detours - and yet God remained faithful. I couldn't help thinking, "Is God preparing me for a detour of my own?" Was it God putting this question in my head? Or was it Satan? Was God helping me deal with the reality of my appointment tomorrow, or was it Satan infesting my heart and head with worry? Sometimes it is so hard to tell the difference.

When I had pain two weeks ago from an ovarian cyst that burst, they did a Cat-Scan in the ER. They found a group of lymph nodes in my upper abdomen that have increased in size and quantity since my scans last year. The radiologist noted "Suspicious nodes" and my doc thinks it's worth seeing an Onchologist - just to be sure. So tomorrow we'll go - just to be sure.

But sin-nature keeps me on my toes. All I can think of is the worst - what if I have to go through treatment again? What if we can't have a baby for awhile because I have to go through Chemo or Radiation? Or what if we can't have a baby at all? Will I be able to work? "Cancer a second time is never good... what if... nope I am not going there. But I am thinking all of these thoughts over a simple test - a simple check up "just to be sure"...

In The Middle Place , Kelli Corrigan writes that when her husband says, "I'm sure it's nothing" in regards to her breast lump biopsy, she feels lonely and like she's crazy. And no matter how many people say it's just "to be sure" - it feels lonely and like I am going crazy. And they are just trying to be positive, I know that.

And no one who has not been there, could ever understand. I don't blame them. I don't want them - these people I love who are good to me - to ever understand this feeling. But that also makes it a lonely place at this current time.

10:15 tomorrow morning will be over and I will be back to normal. And then I will have a better perspective on smaller things - and embrace simple happiness and having a job I love and a fantastic husband and life and the craziness of it all! Even when it gets tough - cancer is much tougher. So I will be embracing life - maybe I just needed a reality dose an additional 9 years later. It won't take the disease to convince me... just the thought of it again is good enough.