It is always difficult, I think particularly as a Christian, when it comes to honor the dead. Four years ago, my dear friend John Zoerhoff went home to be with Jesus after a two-year battle with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. At Gilda's Club, I see members at our clubhouse every single day with ALL, living, breathing, and working through their cancer journey. And today, I think more than any of the previous three years, I feel a special need - obligation, to honor my friend in deed and word. Be it that I work amongst those on a cancer journey, or be it that I am just far enough from his death to also appreciate his life; either way - I honor John today.
John's life and death is a weighted subject for me. For he was a guy worth admiring. Full of life, extremely smart and funny and gifted in multiple ways. And so my memories of John are really all wonderful. However, the memories of his death... well those memories bring about other memories. I think of the day he died, and the moment I realized I was in a relationship (3 months from my wedding day) with someone I wasn't meant to be with. Twenty six days after John died, I decided life was too short to be unhappy, and called off my engagement to Ted. It was the hardest decision of my life, and lead me to the best decision of my life, meeting and marrying Aaron. Because John's death reminded me the value of life, I have to thank him in a way for helping make that amazing decision and having the courage to do so.
John's death also reminds me, as I am often reminded, that I have lost not only him, but Libby as well. Nine years of being best friends... memories in the thousands... walking through cancer with me... walking through cancer with John. During the summer of 2005, I watched my best friend mourn the loss of her soulmate, and fiance. And by September, I was mourning the loss of her. To this day, I do not know what the reason for her seperation was, but Libby made a conscious decision to leave our friendship. I remember talking it over with my counselor months later, when it still brought me to tears. Her only explanation was that maybe, just maybe, I was "too" close. Too close to John, too close to those memories. And maybe by that point, it was more painful having me as a friend, and so she had to let that friendship go. I wish I knew the real reason, if I did something or said something, and I may never know. But John's death reminds me of the loss of him, and the loss of his one true love, Libby. I miss them both terribly. I regularly wonder if I will ever get over this loss. While I am surrounded by wonderful friends - some of the best friends I have ever been blessed with - there will always, always be a special place in my heart for both Libby and John.
And so, while I honor John today, and the legacy he left, I am very aware of the void his death created, and the strength his life portrayed. I honor my friend, I bless his place with our Savior, and I look forward to one day greeting him where "Every tear will be wiped away."
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I've debated for a couple of days about commenting on this post or not, because I didn't want to detract from the profundity of your words. Well written, Afton. I am often reminded of John, especially when I'm brought to thoughts on the topic of 'legacy.' I well remember the opening to Brian's eulogy: John Zoerhoff was a good man, and what this world is in need of is good men. So true, on both accounts. Thanks for what you wrote here on Wednesday. What a good reminder of that which matters most in this life, and of a person who lived his life accordingly.
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