A "Thursday Night"

So with all of this madness going on, between the miscarraige, my new job and the associated demands that come with it on weekends and in the evening, Aaron's quest for his CFP (Certified Financial Planner) and his normal work schedule of 50+ hours, and my major cancer scare, I feel like somewhere along the line we lost sight of each other. Aaron and I - that is. Right after the miscarriage I remember feeling this absolute closeness - like I didn't want him to let me go. But within a week or two, that changed to a hormonal "Don't touch me!" as my body was deciding whether or not to be pregnant. For two months, my hormones have been on overdrive. I finally decided to call the doctor for progrestron to jump-start my cycle. So needless to say, on top of our busy life, I haven't been myself. And Aaron has pretty much been patient and also highly occupied, so it's been okay.

This weekend I finally acknowledge to myself that I am feeling disconnected from him. The problem is, when I am feeling disconnected, I tend to globalize things. Jan warned us of this in our premarital counseling. When things go wrong, it is easy to think EVERYTHING is wrong. Especially with marriage. But the reality of MY marriage is that it is good, solid, fun, and loving and that we also have rough patches. I think this is probably true for most people, and if it isn't true than please tell me your secrets!

So Friday night we worked out at MVP, came home for a late dinner together, discussed finances and my desire to get new golf clubs and his desire to see me save my "spending money" for them... and then it was 10 o'clock and he asked if it would be alright if he went to grab a drink with a friend. I was really looking forward to walking downtown to get a glass of wine, or sit together and just talk, but I told him to go and rented a chick-flick on On-Demand. And inwardly, I was unfairly mad at him because I've been feeling disconnected, not because he did anything wrong. Then on Saturday we spent the day in Holland with his mom and sister, and we had a nice time and came back in the evening to hang out with a few friends. We arrived home around 11:30, and in the back of my mind I was thinking, "How long has it been?" I mean it has in reality not been that long since we have "connected" if you will... but when you've only been married for a year and a half, 10 days seems pretty darn long. And so I thought he'd join me and go to bed, but instead he tuned into college basketball. The funny thing is that I thought he should just "know" that I wanted to "connect" but of course I didn't say anything, and so he just thought I was tired and let me go to bed. And once again, I was mad... not because he did anything wrong but because I felt disconnected and didn't know it... and mostly didn't want to say anything or tell him. He's been so patient with me as I have gone from hormonal pregnant woman to hormonal NOT pregnant woman. And we're always "striving" for that previously stated and blogged about BALANCE.

So on the way to church today, I got really emotional and just kept thinking, "Why do I feel like things are so bad, when they really aren't?" It's that whole globalization issue. When one thing is out of whack... you know the drill. So the sermon was about restoration, and how sometimes God breaks us down so he can restore us. Teach us. Grow us. And the reality is, I think that is what he's been doing for Aaron and I. And so on the way to The Gathering Place, and then again over my oatmeal and hot tea, I mulled over how to tell him what I was feeling.

Women and men are so different. Men can physically connect without a whole lot of emotional attachment. Well guess what? I am just not like that. If we haven't had a good conversation all week, or if we've been talking about lots of things but nothing of real substance, it is very difficult for me to be "in the mood"... EVER. And also, if we've been putting off doing devotions together because we agreed we would do them after dinner and we're always too tired because we eat dinner at 9 o'clock, then guess what? We are spiritually disconnected too. So it is no wonder I have been feeling detached. When life gets tougher, busier, crazier, we stop putting each other first and go from thriving mode to survival mode. And I think that is where we've been recently.

So the question is, how do we get reconnected. I am reminded of a couple I knew in college. They were a married couple with two little girls. Jeff was Regional Director for Young Life and Linda was our college recruiter. I remember one time Linda shared me with the importance of her date night, EVERY WEEK, with Jeff. They did a devotion together, they read a book together, they had a nice meal together... beginning as soon as they got off of work, and into the evening. They hired a baby sitter, usually one of us college young-lifers, and they "connected". And even if things got really crazy throughout the week, they always knew they could meet back up on Thursday nights. And no matter who asked them over for dinner, or what activities came up, NOTHING was priortized over Thursday nights.

So once I got beyond my global fear of my marriage falling apart, which is crazy because it isn't and I am just being hormonal, I realized I just need a Thursday night. I need one night a week, where we DO NOT go to the gym, where we get home at 6:30, right after work, and spend the entire evening together. Where we aren't so warn out and let's face it, a bit cranky, by the time we see one another. Where we can do devotions and spend some time in the Word, where we can read that Love and Respect book we bought 8 months ago to read together and haven't made time for it. Where we talk about more than just the days activities. Where we talk about how we FELT about the days activities. And ultimately, the goal would be that spiritual and emotional connect will only enhance physical connection. Which he'll be happy about too! :)

I threw out my feelings, honestly and carefully so as not to over dramatize the situation. I threw them out over my half-eaten oatmeal and in the presence of twenty-some strangers sitting at nearby tables. And he validated my feelings, saying he understands why I feel the way I do and while he doesn't crave that connection quite like I do (the whole man/woman difference), he gets it and wants me to feel connected, and ultimately wants us to be connected. And so it was pretty cut and dry - we agreed to a "Thursday night" only on Wednesdays... be home by 6:15ish... make dinner together, we are going to finally read Love & Respect and talk through it and do devotions and all that jazz. Maybe we'll take a walk downtown as it is finally getting nice in Michigan. Maybe we'll bike that 26 miles to Rockford and back and eat dinner up there. Maybe we'll go up and get in the hottub and maybe we'll just sit on our patio as the sun goes down. I don't care what we do. It's our night. To give the best of ourselves to each other, rather than alwalys giving the best to everything else.

I think I am mostly glad I was able to wade through the hormones, busyness and globalizations and find the root of the problem. The fact that I like my husband and want to be in his presense is a wonderful thing. We aren't just in love, we're best friends. So it's really wonderful to take that to the next step and priortize each other.

Thank you, Jack and Linda... for the wonderful example of how life can get crazy and yet there is still time if you make it. Here's to those "Thursday nights" in all of our marriages.