Tonight I totally broke down over dinner. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by life right now. Aaron is working long hours... somewhat because it's just how the job is right now - being in the financial services industry... and somewhat because he lacks personal and professional boundaries. He just struggles to walk away at the end of the day when there is still work to be done. I feel like we've been fighting about this a lot, but I also think it will get better as he just hired a fulltime assistant. I just have to keep being patient and encouraging him to set those boundaries - that is, without nagging him.
But it's more than just that... as we talk about the possibility of starting a family again, I just feel overwhelmed with what that will mean. I just know it will not be easy to work full time, have a husband who works way MORE than fulltime, keep my home up, and bring a child into that mix. Not the mention taking care of myself, which I think is a big thing I worry about - especially with fitness. Just a few weeks of poor eating after the miscarriage (mourning food, I called it!) and I have put on a few pounds and am just not feeling good about myself again. I hate being in this place and being so critical of myself, and yet I know its normal especially for women. I just want to be in a continuously good place with my body and spirit, and I know adding another life into that mix is only going to make that more difficult. I already leave the gym earlier than Aaron to make sure dinner is made. I know having a child will mean less time at the gym, and less time alone and for myself. A lot less. Maybe this is making me sound really selfish, but this is just where I am at right now. I want a baby so badly... especially after being so close to having one. But I am just scared that I won't be able to balance it all... working long hours, being married and contributing to that marriage (not to mention being alert and energized to be affectionate to my husband) keeping in shape, and taking care of my child. Can I do this?
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Afton - the good thing is that you are thinking about this NOW - before there is a baby. I know so many women who don't think through things before it happens and then are trying to figure it out AND figure out how to be a mom. So I'm proud of you for thinking through this.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, something WILL have to give. Things do change, and you have to make compromises. But, the fun thing is that you can be creative with those changes. Like, instead of going to the gym every day, you can take family walks or bike rides. Or, hire someone to clean your house so you can spend more time with the babe! I have lots of ideas... :)