A new way of thinking...

The last two days I have been in retreat mode at work - a time to look at the big picture of my job and of the organization for which I work/serve. Since Gilda's Club is focused on cancer support for the whole family, we often approach those in the process of grief. We have even launched a three-year pilot children's grief project... allowing children who have lost a sibling/parent in the last year to a cause other than cancer, to participate in our community. Their parents are welcome as well.

So during our retreat, Megan Bronson, a Licensed Counselor, came to help us approach and discuss grief in new ways. As we are dealing with grief on a daily basis, how can we best support those grieving, our co-workers who are experiencing and being surrounded by that grief, and also process our own grief as it arises.

What I have realized through my own grief journey, and through Megan's education, is that we so often approach another's grief in the wrong way: we want to fix it. We say things like, "God has a purpose" or "I am sure you'll find another job soon" or "This too will pass", when what we should be saying, simply is, "I am sorry for your pain." What a paradigm shift that is! The truth of the matter is - when we are grieving - we simply need acknowlegement from those around us that it is okay to do so. That it is okay to have any emotions we may feel at the moment. We need to give one another the permission to feel whatever it is we are feeling at that time. We don't have to be strong - and we need to allow those around us who are grieving, and ourselves for that matter, the space to feel the range of emotions we feel when we grieve. This is compassion. We cannot provide hope for someone without first providing compassion.

So what if, as a Christian community, and as a community at large, we approached grief in this way? What if, when someone shares their story, we simply say: "I am sorry for your loss". What if we don't try to fix it?

The day I experienced my miscarriage - the personal response I valued most was that of my step-mom - a simple acknowledgement that "miscarriages suck and are painful". What if we can say to one another, instead of "This sucks but God is good" as if that will somehow lessen the pain, we say, "This sucks AND God is good" to acknowledge the right to feel disappointed, angry and sad, and also the acknowledgement that ultimately, God will give us the measures of comfort we need most when it comes down to it.

I want to approach grief this way. I want to give others around me the permission to grieve openly, honestly, and profoundly. I think we will all be much healthier individuals: wives, husbands, children, parents... it could be a beautiful thing.

And to add to that - I just want to acknowledge, well, a pet-peve or disagreement I have that so many Christians are quoted saying when someone is grieving.

We need, as Christians, to stop saying to other Christians, or non-Christians for that matter, that your grief is in God's purpose/plan. God doesn't want us to experience loss. He is not the God of death or hurt or pain. He is the God of life and joy and love and grace and peace. THIS IS NOT HIS PLAN. His plan was for a perfect world where we all live in harmony, and because of sin, we experience loss. Not because of God. So ultimately, there is NOT A REASON for my miscarriage. It is just the reality of the sinful, imperfect world I live in. And I delight in the fact, that one day, God will wipe away every tear from our eyes (Rev. 4:21). Gosh, I do delight in that. I think it's time we simply acknowledge that THERE IS NO REASON for pain. Accept sin.